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Felonious Farts | Mary Biever | One Writing Mother

Felonious Farts

Jail cells at the Southborough Police Stationphoto © 2009 my_southborough | more info (via: Wylio)
Two  middle school boys were just suspended from school for making obscene gestures on their school bus. The gestures in question? farts.

As the mother of a teen-aged son, I had considered flatulence a disgusting fact of life but never worthy of such punishment. Especially when I ride in a car full of teen-aged boys, somebody lets one rip, and we all lower the car windows as we gasp for oxygen.

Sounds like a good idea. They should go beyond the school suspension into the criminal court system. Listed below are levels for the new zero tolerance party for the felonious fart.

School Suspension:

The boys in question merely farted for the entertainment of their bus-mates. A school suspension fart is one filled with sound but little substance, signifying nothing but entertainment value.

Misdemeanor:

  • Class A - Fart stinks and causes respiratory problems for those in close proximity. Some report that animals run, paint peels, and babies cry upon their emission.
  • Class B – Fart has offensive noise and scent that disrupts the activities of others in the same room, bus, or automobile.
  • Class C – Fart has a mildly offensive scent, enough to be noticed. Choosy moms don’t choose to be in the room with these toots.

Felony:

  • Murder – Fart in which the offender ingests a large amount of gas-producing foods, i.e. beans and deliverately choose the blast site, resulting in the death of those in near proximity and requires a Hazmat unit for environmental cleanup. Some of those exposed to the blast who survive may experience chemical poisoning and extreme suffering.
  • Class A – Farts involve dealing with gaseous substances in an amount over 3 grams of methane produced and those farts that result in the serious injury of others.
  • Class B – Farts involving dealing with gaseous substances in an amount under 3 grams of methane produced and those farts determined to be aggravated battery or arson attempts.
  • Class C – Farts involving possession of gaseous substances in an amount over 3 grams of methane and farts defined as intimidation with a deadly weapon.
  • Class D – The lowest level of felonious farts, these include DWF (driving while farting) as a second offense; farting as a common nuisance; and farting so badly outdoors that the smell enters nearby residences.
  • Habitual Offender – In some circumstances, those convicted of second felonious fart offenses may also be convicted as habitual fart offenders and sentenced to additional jail time.

RIFO Act: Those who conspire to emit farts with others in the pursuit of other crimes can be subject to confiscation of their assets. Or at least their Wii, PS3, XBox systems, smartphones, and all texting devices for the forseeable future.

Hmmm. Would a legislature pass such a criminal code?

I wonder if there is a 12 Step program for the student who farts in the middle of his achievement test, gets so tickled he quits answering questions, and gets a bad score as a consequence.

With all the violence and other problems facing our society today, what should I make of authorities who declare war against our common enemy: flatulence?


2 Responses to “Felonious Farts”

  1. matt May 22, 2011 at 3:09 pm #

    Classic article to start off the week . I laughed so hard it brought tears to my eyes.Gee there’s nothing wrong with a good fart. If it becomes a felony people won’t own up to it.Shame really because im a beliver in ,”if you drop a good’un be proud of it”.
    thanks for the article

  2. matt May 22, 2011 at 3:11 pm #

    I imagine a blue flamer will attract quite a severe penalty if not a life term.

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