When parents volunteer within the same organizations in which their kids participate, they not only help the organizations but teach their kids countless lessons by example. Sometimes the lessons are harder than others. But the toughest ones are the most important…

How do you advocate for your kid and treat others fairly? How do you reach that balance between remembering a child’s heart and encouraging a process of continual improvement?

One way I’ve encountered this challenge is as a superintendent of 4-H projects. During project turn-in, when I took the role, I realized I could no longer help my kids through their own project check in. They were on their own – albeit with their dad and a checklist I helped them develop. While other parents helped their kids, I was helping them. Now, at the end of my 4-H parenting career, I see that that made my kids become more self-reliant and organized.

As a project superintendent, one of the first tasks – one of the unwritten ones – is to greet kids bringing in their projects and remembering that what is just a checkmark and project turn in to you is possibly their pride and joy. They have worked to learn new skills, and this is prime time for affirmation to encourage and compliment them. The kids  you inspire and encourage today will resolve to work harder, whatever ribbon they are awarded.

Then comes a trickier part which, like other good project superintendents, I hope to do well – quickly run through the project requirements and see if there are any technical errors that can be immediately fixed so a member isn’t penalized for a technicality. That happens best when we aren’t overwhelmed with entries and something gets missed.

As an example – when notebook displays are turned in with our computer projects, they are required to be submitted in hard cover binders, not flexible sheet covers. That’s because the notebooks may go on a display rack and must be able to stand on their own. To make it more confusing, I also supervise creative writing projects, which are turned in in flexible folders. That’s because we receive so many writing projects that they are placed flat on a table, and there isn’t enough room for over 100 hard cover binders. So if a creative writing entry is submitted in a hardcover binder, or a computer entry is submitted in a flexible folder, I give the same spiel:

“I can accept your project now, but I wanted to make you aware of the rules. Technically, your entry should be in ‘X’ folder. You have a choice – you can submit your entry now but should know that because it doesn’t follow the rules, you will lose points. If you can figure out a way to get the correct folder before the deadline, you could submit it and get those points. It’s your choice.”

Some parents appreciate my help. In one of the most ironic examples, a mother grew very angry with me and tried to argue with me. I just showed her and her child the rules and explained I was trying to help them. They chose to get the correct binder.

When the judging was complete, her child’s project beat mine and won the champion. Her child’s project was demonstrably better than my child’s.

Had I kept my mouth shut, my child would have won the champion.

But the point of 4-H isn’t how many champion ribbons you win. Instead, it’s about the skills that are acquired and the character that is developed.

It’s also about recognizing that when we encourage high standards in a positive way – instead of gloating on the penalty after the fact – we’re raising standards.

When we aspire to excellence, and we reach out our hand to help others along the same path, we all benefit. Rising tides raise all ships.

And my prayer is that, above all the things I taught my kids by lesson or example, they learned integrity in their thoughts and actions.

In old movies, when someone wandered or was lost, people often put a candle in the window to light the way if the lost turned towards home and was trying to find it.

My light in the window is my song, especially in church. When I sing praise and worship music, I sing with my whole heart and soul. Each note and phrase is a prayer. They are my candle, praying and calling you home so that when you see the light, you know which way to turn.

The journey back can be a lot shorter and easier than the one to venture away. Just turn towards the light, move towards it, and the darkness will dissipate. With each step, the shackles of pain and despair will weaken.

Until you turn and sing the light, I will sing and pray that each note will be the one that you hear that turns you back on the right path. And when you do make that turn, my song will burst with joy as I embrace and welcome you home.

See the light and come home soon.

“Even with major interventions, your pregnancy is high risk of having a bad outcome. You should have an abortion,” I was told by my obstetrician 18 years ago during my pregnancy with my son. Richard and I immediately told the doctor that wasn’t an option.

I also told the doctor I was a mama bear who would do what it took to take care of our baby.  And then I went home and cried.

Richard had a dream during that pregnancy where people were telling us all the challenges we faced, and he told them, “I’ll stand up for my son.”

We believed in our son and his chances, before he was born. We changed doctors, and by the grace of God, both my son and I survived. There aren’t medical explanations for our survival other than Divine Providence.

Flash to three years after his birth, when he was diagnosed with significant speech impediments. We were told he might need 6 years of speech therapy to clearly communicate with others. I watched in frustration when he tried to play “Duck Duck Goose” with other preschoolers, even though he could say neither duck nor goose. Doubting Thomas friends and some relatives tried to tell us to accept our son’s “limitations.”

We didn’t believe the can’ts. We saw his potential instead. He and I worked together to practice what he did in his speech therapy, and he overcame those challenges in 2 years, instead of the predicted 6. As we worked to help him overcome his challenges, we also worked to nurture his strengths.

When he showed interest in robotics and computers, I helped our county start a 4-H robotics project and founded a 4-H Tech Club to teach kids about science and give him more science opportunities.

Flash to his freshman year of high school when he won a state 4-H demonstration contest in mechanical arts as he demonstrated how to build his own computer. This year, he led a team of younger 4-H Tech Club members as they gave a presentation on computer hardware at the Indiana 4-H Foundation’s Annual Meeting, as 1 of 4 clubs included in a state-wide science showcase.

And the boy who couldn’t say duck or goose has grown into a recreation leader extraordinaire, working to develop inclusive games for kids. He’s attended recreation conferences, serves on the board of an annual recreation workshop, has planned recreation activities for camps and retreats, and recently led a workshop to teach 4-H leaders how to introduce new games to their clubs.

So much for the kid they were concerned wouldn’t be able to talk clearly.

Today is his 17th birthday. If I knew where that doubting doctor was who urged us to push the panic button 18 years ago, I would show her the article in the paper last week where he was named a Star Student for our area. I would share with her that the high risk pregnancy resulted in a young man who started working pollinating corn in the summer when he was 15, has worked ever since, and who plans to work 2 different jobs, 6 days a week this summer – who used his earnings to first buy his own computer parts to build his own computer and then to buy his first car.

As Mary Kay Ash once said, “When children know their mothers believe in them, they develop self-confidence. On the other hand, if a parent repeatedly tells a child that he’s shy, he’s stupid, he’s mean or he’s going to grow up to be a bank robber, he’ll probably develop that quality or bring that vision to pass.”

In life, avoid the Debbie Downers who dwell in the can’ts and probably won’ts. Instead seek the people who see your potential and inspire you to reach for it. Encourage others to set high goals and reach them.

“If you shoot for the moon and you fall short you land among the stars.” - Mary Kay

So what’s stopping YOU from shooting for the moon and encouraging those around you to do the same?

The key to my success – or sanity – as a mother is finding a few good mentor moms who have survived the parenting phases I am working through or am about to enter.

To me, one of my biggest challenges as a parent is that we learn by doing – and generally doing badly. No two seasons are the same, and each poses its own challenges. By the time I have made a lot of mistakes, and hopefully learned from a few of them so I can do better next time, the roller coaster of parenting takes a sudden dip, drops into a shaft, and I struggle to see how disaster can be averted.

That’s where mentor moms come in who have just taken steps along the new path of my parenting journey. It’s easy to get so stunned by the new turns of the parenting adventure that I think I’m alone, and I can think no other parent on the planet ever faced the challenges I do.

But when I quietly share my concerns with those trusted mentors, they share their own experiences, assure me that it’s normal to struggle, and suggest ways I can better parent children who are no longer kids but emerging adults. They remind me of the power of unconditional love and offer strategies in how to parent and still set boundaries.

With their help, I not only take comfort  but hope. At the same time, I can mentor younger mothers and assure them they aren’t alone in their experiences.

And when I try hard enough, I remember advice I’ve often shared – the tough times of parenting are when we remember that the Bible often says “and so it came to pass” instead of “and so it came to stay.” The struggles today are not permanent but will pass.

There was a time, as a mother, when my biggest challenge was staying up all night with a sick baby. It was tough. Now, in retrospect, I can look back on those times and what I remember is the time spent holding my babies. Not the tears, cries, and full range of bodily fluids.

And I wonder, with Mentor Moms who help me today, if I will one day look on today’s challenges with the same poignant fondness.